The Ties That Blind
by SherlockianGirl
Summary: Bertie learns that Jeeves has systematically "revised" his wardrobe.


"I say, Jeeves! What happened to that necktie?"

"Necktie, sir?"

"The one I bought yesterday."

"The tie-dyed one, sir?"

"That's the one. I can't seem to find the bally thing…"

"I am afraid it is no longer with us, sir."

"What?"

"I found its unhappy remains in the fireplace this morning, sir."

"The fireplace!"

"Yes, sir."

"How did the blasted thing get in there?"

"I was walking past it this morning, sir, carrying your linens, and the article chanced to slip from the pile and into the flames below."

"Rummy thing, that. Were the windows open? A bit of wind blow it off, what?"

"No, sir."

"Then it would have gone straight to the floor, Jeeves."

"It fluttered, sir."

"Ah, a sad thing indeed, Jeeves. I had a checkered suit that would have looked dashed smart with it."

"Undoubtedly, sir."

"No sense mourning the past, eh, Jeeves?"

"Certainly not, sir."

"Ah, well. Where's that other colorful tie then, Jeeves?"

"The one that resembles the feathers of the _Aves Psittaciformes Psittacidae Psittacinae Arini Ara_, sir?"

"In English, Jeeves."

"The Scarlet Macaw, sir, a large parrot native to-"

"Is the parrot colorful, Jeeves?"

"Very much so, sir."

"Then that, as you describe it, must be my missing tie."

"A victim of a most unfortunate accident, sir."

"Accident?"

"I found it shredded into very small pieces in the kitchen, sir."

"What!"

"It appeared to be chopped, minced, and diced, sir."

"Of all the bally things-"

"It was most untoward of me, sir. I fear I was sleepwalking last night and attempted to reorganize your chest of drawers."

"In the kitchen, Jeeves?"

"Yes, sir, after which I endeavored to prepare onion soup and mistook your tie for the onion."

"Rummy, Jeeves, rummy. You must really see a doctor about that."

"Quite possibly, sir."

"Well, then, where's that bright yellow number I popped off to the Drones in?"

"I most regrettably burned it with the iron, sir."

"Well, a small spot of black wouldn't hurt-"

"It caught fire, sir."

"Fire?"

"Yes, sir."

"What, the whole thing?"

"Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, sir."

"Never mind ashes to ashes and dust to dust, Jeeves."

"Very good, sir."

"I don't suppose that new pink and purple tie survived the night, Jeeves?"

"Indeed it did, sir."

"Jolly good! Where is it?"

"I am afraid it is not here, sir."

"What?"

"The police impounded it as evidence, sir."

"The _police_?"

"It was categorized as a disturbance of the peace, sir."

"Whose peace?"

"I cannot say, sir."

"Jeeves, this is quite thick."

"Yes, sir."

"Thank heaven I still have that-"

"No, sir."

"What do you mean, 'No, sir'?"

"I was anticipating your asking about the Mechlin lace cravat, sir."

"Yes, the one I'm wearing to that masque ball tomorrow night. A good time to be had by all, Jeeves."

"Sir?"

"Some birds down at the Drones suggested Musketeer costumes. Inspiring, what? We'll jolly well swordfight the old place to pieces."

"Surely you do not require a cravat to do so, sir?"

"Tut, Jeeves! Of course I do! What do you think-Oh, don't say it, Jeeves."

"Sir?"

"Don't tell me the cravat met with some untimely demise."

"No, sir."

"Well, what a relief that-"

"I am afraid I was remiss and put a flower pot upon your cravat, sir."

"Really, Jeeves, this is too much!"

"I mistook it for a doily, sir."

"A doily!"

"Yes, sir. Upon realizing my error in judgment, I hastened to correct the situation but knocked the pot over, sir."

"Jeeves, it is not like you to collide with flower pots."

"Very true, sir."

"Any casualties, Jeeves?"

"The cravat was irreparably damaged, sir."

"Oh, dash it all!"

"Most unfortunate, sir."

"It appears I don't have any more new ties, Jeeves."

"It does seem that way, sir."

"Right ho, Jeeves. All this clumsiness I forgive. A chappie does have his offish days, you know."

"Quite true, sir."

"It could be a fish deficiency, Jeeves. Have you been eating your fish?"

"Yes, sir."

"Eat some more."

"Very good, sir."

"Now, where is that snazzy red dinner jacket I bought, Jeeves?"

"Sir?"

"The red dinner jacket, Jeeves."

"Ashes to ashes and dust to dust, sir."


End file.
